Sarah Vs Dinner At The Bartowski's
by Gradual.Descent
Summary: dinner with Chuck Bartowski and his family causes Sarah's mind to go into overload, evaluating their entire relationship to date - and what it means to her. Introspective one-shot. Pre-Series 3. Charah.


**Sarah vs. Dinner at The Bartowski's **

_by  
_

* * *

"Good night, Chuck!" Sarah flashed a charming smile towards him, it was around midnight and she had been at the Bartowski household since 7pm, almost 5 hours previous. Chuck's smile in return was heart-warming, an infectious ear-to-ear grin.

"Night Sarah!" he mumbled, his thoughts obviously wondering elsewhere, he turned and closed the door.

These nights were almost a release for her, a night to forget about her life, no secrets, no espionage, no Fulcrum, just her, her boyfriend and their family, Ellie and Devon were as good as family to her now, the thought was one she revelled in but shied from at the same time. Her job was to protect the Intersect, not to compromise herself and the mission, and developing feelings for her asset and his family couldn't help her in her mission, only serve to obscure her judgement.

Inwardly, Sarah sighed, this was a mental path she'd found herself traversing more and more recently.

Hopping into the Porsche, Sarah returned to the hotel to get some sleep, she had to open up the yogurt store in the morning, meaning she had been assigned early morning surveillance by Casey, who claimed that she wouldn't be able to do it any other time that day.

_Controlling my feelings for too long  
Controlling my feelings for too long  
Controlling my feelings for too long_

_Controlling my feelings for too long_

Once she had showered and changed, Sarah climbed into her queen sized bed and looked around her luxurious room, it was devoid of any personal effects, save one.

A framed photograph sat atop her dresser. The photograph in question held the image of a tall man, mid-20's, with a mop of curly brown hair and chocolate-y brown eyes warm enough to make even the coldest person's heart melt. The man was one Chuck Bartowski.

The first time she'd met him, she'd regarded him as a complete idiot, an under-achiever who'd dropped out of Stanford after being caught cheating, her opinion was not dissimilar to many other people she'd been forced to 'date' as part of her missions in the past.

That first night he'd taken her out, to that little Mexican restaurant, he'd made her feel like a normal woman, out on a date with a guy she liked. Of course she'd dismissed it at that point, assuming she was just adapting to her cover.

But as events progressed, and new information came to light, it became clear that Chuck was extraordinary. Although he never had Casey's sheer strength and experience, or Sarah's martial arts skills or in-depth training, he managed to adapt to situations almost miraculously quickly, and provide them with the information they needed, even if it came at risk to himself.

And then there'd been the infamous kiss, when she'd been convinced that both Chuck and herself were about to be killed. Only then, for the first time in almost 5 years, did she release her emotions, all in the form of one passionate kiss.

_  
Forcing our darkest souls to unfold  
And forcing our darkest souls to unfold  
Pushing us into self destruction  
Pushing us into self destruction  
_

Of course, the bomb had turned out to be something else entirely, but it left Sarah in a pretty awkward situation, all of those pent up emotions had been released, and after so long with keeping them closed off, they hit her all at once.

She hadn't known what to do and had tried to shut them out again, build a mental dam around them, but the torrent was too strong, and now that they had been unleashed, it was impossible to return to how things had been.

She realised that she was already starting to develop a fondness for Chuck. But she'd told herself there was nothing wrong with liking him, "You're not compromised," she'd tell herself, "things are fine."

She'd been able to think like that for a while, until the helicopter incident, when Chuck was to be taken to a secure location until further notice. When she was faced with the idea of Chuck being taken to that bunker, she knew, at that exact moment, she didn't just like Chuck, it was more than that. She loved him.

Sarah knew, if the Fulcrum agent hadn't appeared at that moment, she may have went against orders, and tried to save him. That was when she was first faced with the brutal truth; she was compromised, hopelessly compromised.

In the aftermath of those events, when things had returned to normal, Sarah had tried to close herself off again, and partially succeeded, managing to ignore the feelings she was feeling so strongly, trying to deny that they even existed.

Chuck and Sarah never quite managed to get along as well as they normally did at that point, he knew something was going on, just not what it was, or how to help her through it. Their relations became forced, and their status as a couple was barely hanging in the balance, surviving only as the purpose it was first intended as, a cover.

Foresight, the valuable tool that it can be, showed her how cold she'd been at that time; Chuck had finally discovered what she'd tried to shield him from. Every person had an ugly side, a side they tried to shield from the world, and while Sarah was mostly successful in keeping it at bay, it reared its head from time to time.

She knew that when she was in the kind of mood she'd been in for those weeks, Sarah could be almost impossible to deal with. And although he hadn't exactly been perfect himself, indeed, several arguments had ended with Chuck storming away and not speaking to her for several days at a time, Sarah had to admire Chuck's perseverance because, despite those numerous arguments, he kept trying to make amends, kept trying to draw her out of her shell.

It had all came to a head one day, when they were out for dinner at a small Italian restaurant not 5 minutes away from her apartment.

Chuck had decided enough was enough; he needed her to come out of her stupor, to be the person he needed her to be, as his protector, as his cover girlfriend and most of all, he'd insisted, as his friend.

Sarah heard all of those words, and somehow, for the first time in weeks, she understood what a bitch she'd been, how frustrating it must have been for Chuck. She'd apologised profusely, insisting that although she couldn't explain what had caused her to act how she had, it was dealt with now.

_  
And they make me  
Make me dream your dreams  
And they make me  
Make me scream your screams_

Chuck's confession that he needed her had broken through to her, and once more she was forced to submit to her emotions, she realised now, that as an agent, she could no longer afford to hold them back, she was compromised, she knew that, but attempting to hide behind a barrier no longer worked. Instead, when she tried to keep her emotions at bay, it made her sloppy, it made her relationship with Chuck strained; essentially, it made her poor at what she was assigned to do.

Sarah knew, the easiest thing to do would be to admit to the CIA she was compromised, and request re-assignment, not only would it be best for the assignment, it would be best for Chuck.

She couldn't though, she still held onto the idea that she could hold feelings for Chuck, experience those feelings, and still perform her job at a satisfactory level, even for her high standards.

And for a time, she did. But when the suburb assignment came around, and she saw the life they could have, the memories (in the form of pictures, even if the moments had never happened, Sarah could see herself in the pictures, smiling, happy.), the dog and best of all, living with Chuck. It made her realise that her dreams, and his own, might not be so different after all.

He pined after her, desperately seeking any signs that their relationship could be, in any form at all, real. He had opened up to her so many times, offered himself on a platter.

All she wanted was to grant him his wish, to show him how much she cared for him, have real relationship. And if it worked out, and she was pretty sure, should such a thing ever happen, that it would, they would move in and have kids, a real, normal life.

But as long as Chuck was the Intersect, indeed, as long as Fulcrum wanted the Intersect, Chuck was in danger, having his every move tracked not only by the CIA whom Sarah worked for, but the NSA as well, which her partner, Casey belonged to. Between the two agencies, and the dangers poised to find Chuck at any minute, it was impossible to pursue a real relationship with Chuck.

She knew, that moment when she'd been forced to oversee the clearance of that house, that she was seeing all of their dreams packed away and put into boxes. And as she took her last look around that house, Sarah was envisioning a life that could have been.

It was enough to make her scream, both of them wanted it, she was pretty sure both had dreamed about it at one point or another, yet they were denied, by the cruel decisions fate made.

_Trying to please you for too long  
Trying to please you for too long  
Visions of greed you wallow  
Visions of greed you wallow  
_

Ever since she was 18, Sarah's entire life had been to rise further up in the ranks in the CIA. Her every action was designed to impress her superiors. She'd seen them as her rescuers in a way. She'd been at a dead end in her life.

Her father was a conman; Sarah had been brought up shedding identities quicker than it took a person to consume a pint of beer.

The CIA had found her after her father had been caught, and offered her a way out of that. She dived into her training, making few friends and coming out of training as a highly regarded prospect.

After being put into the field, she'd worked her way up the ranks, accomplishing a number of high risk missions and coming out mostly unscathed, her perfect record was unrivalled by anyone else. Missions such as the French assassins posed no difficulty for her.

Up until she had been assigned to Chuck, she had done all of those things without even considering it, she had become a mindless puppet, any emotions she would have once felt: disgust, revulsion were drilled out of her at training.

Now, she realised just how truly horrible some of the deeds she'd committed had been, how many atrocious scenes she had witnessed, how many people had fallen to her deadly instincts. She had still killed people since then, but she had considered the reasoning behind it, it hadn't been because orders above had specified it, it had been because it was the best decision to carry out at that time.

Sarah actually resented the CIA at some moments; sure, they had offered a way out of her old life. But what had she been pulled into as a result? She had been stripped of her humanity, almost. Trained as a deadly assassin, a stunning seductress, to do whatever she was needed to do at a moments notice.

_  
And they make me  
Make me dream your dreams  
And they make me  
Make me scream your screams  
_

"But not anymore," Sarah told herself. She had swore an oath to protect the Intersect at all costs, fortunately for her, she had realised that Chuck didn't only need protection from external threats such as Fulcrum, there were people waiting to use him for their own needs, people who were supposed to be _protecting_ him.

Now, Sarah realised, she didn't want the excuse for a life she'd been living through since she was 18. She experienced a new way of living with Chuck, one she couldn't have dreamed of before, and now that she had it, now that she'd lived it, she couldn't, no, she **wouldn't**, give it up.

As soon as this assignment was over, be it a month, be it a year, be it even more than that, as soon as she was informed that the intersect was no longer in danger, that Chuck no longer needed handler's, she'd be handing in her resignation.

_  
Controlling my feelings for too long  
Controlling my feelings for too long  
And forcing our darkest souls to unfold  
And forcing our darkest souls to unfold  
And pushing us into self destruction  
And pushing us into self destruction  
_

She didn't care what excuses the CIA would try to make, because as far as she was concerned, the CIA and Sarah Walker were at a crossroads, their paths no longer intertwined. The CIA had made her do despicable things, things unthinkable to anyone who hadn't witnessed them being committed.

And even if she was formally working for them, all of the decisions she made, would be made thinking of how they benefited Chuck. If that meant she had to oppose, or even _fight_ the CIA or any other factions, such as the NSA. Then Gods help them, she'd do it, and she'd win.

It was only after she'd decided on this that Sarah dared to glance at her alarm clock, her eyes widened as she realised it was almost 2 and a half hours since she'd first arrived home. Thoughts of the early morning wakeup call loomed over her, and she finally succumbed to the vast nothingness that is sleep, content in her decisions, and happy to see them through.

_  
And they make me  
Make me dream your dreams  
And they make me  
Make me scream your screams_

Her last thought, before dreaming of how life would be, after she was free to pursue Chuck, was an amused one:

_Who knew? Dinner at the Bartowski's can be a lot more thought-consuming than you'd think._

* * *

_AN: Thanks for reading this guys, I realise there's not much dialogue here, for which I apologise. The song is _Showbiz _by _Muse. _The idea came to me not long after I'd finished re-watching Chuck series one(which might explain why I'm a bit more in depth about first series moments)._

_Time-wise, things might seem a little different, but I was trying to convey Sarah's thought process more than anything else, so I didn't stick to the timeline too prudently, which I know can put some people off. _

_Also, is the inclusion of an original scene (Sarah trying to close herself off again, the arguments, the dinner) disruptive to the overall story, or does it make it better? I'd really appreciate any opinions you can give me, as this is my first fan-fic, and I'm unsure about what I need to improve, so feel free to leave a review for me. Guest reviews are enabled, but I'd love to be able to message you directly about my stories and ask for critiques, so if you have an account, please take an extra minute to log in…_

_Thanks,_


End file.
